Fast and Furiously 40

Fast and Furiously 40

I turned 40 last week. For the last few years, I had some excitement around the day, feeling like it was going to be some kind of transformation or transcension into a more mature, grounded and put together version of myself. All my friends that hit the milestone before me have said how much better their 40s were. They told me how they gave less fucks, felt more secure in who they are and felt better setting boundaries. They told me how the opinions of the outside world matter less and less. It sounds magical.

Something changed one day around March. I awoke feeling a little less excited, more anxious and slightly sorrowful. I wasn’t expecting these kinds of emotions. I’m not one to shy away from my Birthday or pretend it isn’t coming. I have been a very excited Birthday Gorl in the past. Making a big deal out of it for an entire month because another year around the sun is both a success and a gift. I should celebrate and enjoy the accomplishment with others. But this year felt weird.

I do feel like I am in some kind of transformation, but it doesn’t feel as much like I’m transcending. It feels more like the end of adolescence and metamorphosis to adulthood. It’s uncomfortable and strange. I feel a ticking clock looming over me. 10 years ago, I felt like I still had all the time in the world to figure things out. Now, I feel a push or rush to find my success, security and stability for my future. Instead of worrying about what I want to do for the rest of my life I am concerned with what I want to do for the rest of my life. Yes, it is the same question. But I am asking it in a very different way.

How can I live authentically? How will I realize and live my truth? How will I achieve my goals and actualize my vision for my future? There are so many questions and with each question I find myself more able to find the answer or explore a new path to answer them. I feel more prepared to figure this out than I did when I was younger. I remind myself that times not up. The clock will run out, but I don’t have to give up on myself and my life until that happens.

Check back with me in 10 years and I’ll let you know if I have discovered any of the answers to my existential questions. I probably won’t. I’m fast and furiously 40. I’m Living life a quarter mile at a time.